we're all stories in the end

Things are going really well with my current therapist. I'm making some real progress in understanding how I operate and why I struggle with certain things the way I do.

Peeling through layers of mental debris is raising lots of questions, and one I keep thinking about is who I really am, who could I be without quite so much baggage from mental illness and general sadness?

I'm not sure. I'm still figuring it out. But one thing has struck me, something that has frankly shaken my sense of self to its very core! (I kid. Sort of.) All this time, I thought I knew something about myself, but I think I was dead wrong.

I think I might be an extrovert.

This was a great year for me.

( the year that was. )

Happy New Year, everyone. <3

Well, I finally did the thing. :D

( fresh ink under the cut )

Autumn has arrived rather firmly here in London, and with it the wave of sad and tired I've come to associate with SAD. This is unusually early for me, so I've been on the back foot, scrambling to get my light box set up and GP appointments scheduled in. But I'm doing okay. Fistbump to everyone else dealing with this at the moment, whether you're in the northern hemisphere with the winter version, or the southern hemisphere and the summer version. (I feel it's maybe not a widely-known fact that some people have SAD that hits in spring/summer? But that is indeed a thing.)

It's an odd thing, a mood disorder that comes with relatively reliable time parameters. Knowing that I'll definitely feel better come spring if not before is reassuring in some ways, but given it's only just autumn now, that's a bloody long time away, and the path between now and then is both treacherous and tedious, to borrow a phrase from Elementary.

In the meantime, one foot in front of the other. I try and take advantage of the good days to shore up progress in the things I want to get done, so it's less dispiriting on bad days and I have more space to breath and just take care of myself.

Something I always find difficult is learning when to push myself and when not to. The idea of leaving the house frequently becomes the worst idea in the world, but often when I manage to do it I feel better afterwards. Other times, it's too much, I call off whatever I was going to do. They're both acts of self-care, but it's always hard to tell which one I need on a given occasion.

Mostly I try and remember that this is a real illness, and that it's understandable for it to have an effect on my capacity to do things. I'm doing my best, and eventually, spring will come around again.

While writing this, I couldn't really think of any specific advice that I had to offer to people other than 'hang in there', but if anyone's got advice on this subject they'd like to share in the comments, I'd be interested to hear it!

Really though, hang in there. ♥

In response to a couple of concerned messages - yes, I am fine! The ongoing rioting in London hasn't affected where I live or where I work, so I haven't seen anything first hand. I don't really have much to say other than I am so sad and sorry that it's come to this, watching the news is awful.

happydork has links.

It is Christmas morning and I am curled up with a big fuzzy Appa (my Christmas present from avendya, pictures forthcoming) and there is snow outside. Life is good.

A very happy Christmas/Yuletide/Doctor Who Day/Saturday to you all! ♥

+ Briefly on Merlin: ( cut for spoilers )

+ I have had a charming weekend. It consisted of going to see Eddie Izzard (OMG I LOVE HIM SO MUCH I CANNOT EVEN) and also the new RSC production of Twelfth Night, which was really wonderful. Hilarious, suitably gay, and really fresh and vibrant - particularly, the best Olivia I have ever seen. And, not that this is a new revelation to me, Olivia/Viola OTP! Everyone/everyone OTP, really. :D

+ I also had the opportunity to hang out with lorannah, and we roamed second-hand bookshops and sat in a cafe and chatted about fandom and writing and upcoming projects. ♥

+ Oh my, I was transcribing my audio viewer commentary for Marble House earlier (coming to a vid_commentary near you first thing tomorrow, honest!), and I realised something. For anyone frustrated by my run-on sentences in posts and stories - I know, I know, I'm working on it - IT'S SO MUCH WORSE WHEN I TALK. D: I can't punctuate myself! I speak in paragraph-long phrases! Also, the commentary is nearly three times as long as the original vid. ALSO, I have done some seriously dorky things with text and annotations and such. Well, it's the point of no return now, it'll go up when I get up in the morning no matter how embarrassed I am about it.

I am at that stage of packing where I am utterly convinced that I have forgotten something of vital importance to the mission for my holiday, which is a sure sign that it is time for me to go to bed. (I must have everything important! My iPod is fully charged and loaded with new music and podfic, I have downloaded the story notes for the super sekrit special project I am working on - oh, and I have clothes and my toothbrush and stuff, too. *g*)

I shall be in New York for the next week, wandering around and seeing sights and nomming on food, also catching up with some Stateside fandomers. :D

Vid rec spam will resume next weekend, I am sure.