Amy (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
such_heights) wrote2010-05-14 02:13 am
such_heights) wrote2010-05-14 02:13 am
Entry tags:
some things that shouldn't need saying, and some things that should
warning: links in this post and content behind cuts contain discussion of sexual assault that, though non-graphic, may be triggering
So. There has been an awful lot of discussion recently about the SPN-turned-panfandom blow-up about cons, sexual coercion, personal responsibility and a host of other related topics. About which, first a few basic points:
+ If you are conducting sexual activity without the full consent of everyone in the room, whether they're directly involved or not, then what you are doing is Not Okay.
+ Silence in no way equals consent.
+ It is no one's personal responsibility to speak out and protest in an environment where zie has every reason to feel profoundly unsafe. It is everyone's personal responsibility never to make someone feel that way.
+ No matter what the circumstances, what you did or didn't say, what you were wearing, how much you'd had to drink, sexual harassment, coercion and assault are only ever the fault of the perpetrator.
+ One part of this story hits very close to home. Members of the group that were at the heart of this attempted to pick up two women who were too drunk to consent, but were prevented by an outside intervention.
I was less fortunate, and when I was in that situation, there was no one to intervene for me. And the thing is, it took me two years to accept that what happened that night wasn't my fault. And I only reached that stage thanks to other people telling me so, sometimes repeatedly. A couple of LJ posts are frankly the tip of an iceberg when it comes to the victim-blaming that is hugely ingrained and internalised in so many of us.
And because all of these kinds of things are about power, it can be so, so hard to say no, or to walk away. As soon as you're in a situation where it's clear that there are people around you who care little for your consent, you lose an awful lot of power, because that can go very bad, very fast. Choices start to get taken away from you, and that is not your fault. It couldn't be.
---
This also all seems rather pertinent as I make plans to attend cons this summer. And so, in the vein of others on my rlist, a promise for when I'm attending Vividcon and Dragon*Con:
If it looks like someone's bothering you, I will come and see if you're all right. If it looks like your judgement's been impaired and you're being coerced into something, I'll intervene, with backup if necessary.
If you come to me and tell me that there's a problem and you want help, I will believe you without question. I won't make judgements based on your clothing, your gender identity or presentation, or how much you've had to drink. I'll believe you even if I don't know you and you're being harassed by my best friend.
I'll help you however you want me to. I will tell someone to back off, I will make excuses for you so you can get away, I will alert appropriate authorities. I'll come with you to the con organisers, or speak to them on your behalf. I'll help you find somewhere safe if you need it, and I'll sit with you for as long as you want. I've got your back.
So. There has been an awful lot of discussion recently about the SPN-turned-panfandom blow-up about cons, sexual coercion, personal responsibility and a host of other related topics. About which, first a few basic points:
+ If you are conducting sexual activity without the full consent of everyone in the room, whether they're directly involved or not, then what you are doing is Not Okay.
+ Silence in no way equals consent.
+ It is no one's personal responsibility to speak out and protest in an environment where zie has every reason to feel profoundly unsafe. It is everyone's personal responsibility never to make someone feel that way.
+ No matter what the circumstances, what you did or didn't say, what you were wearing, how much you'd had to drink, sexual harassment, coercion and assault are only ever the fault of the perpetrator.
+ One part of this story hits very close to home. Members of the group that were at the heart of this attempted to pick up two women who were too drunk to consent, but were prevented by an outside intervention.
I was less fortunate, and when I was in that situation, there was no one to intervene for me. And the thing is, it took me two years to accept that what happened that night wasn't my fault. And I only reached that stage thanks to other people telling me so, sometimes repeatedly. A couple of LJ posts are frankly the tip of an iceberg when it comes to the victim-blaming that is hugely ingrained and internalised in so many of us.
And because all of these kinds of things are about power, it can be so, so hard to say no, or to walk away. As soon as you're in a situation where it's clear that there are people around you who care little for your consent, you lose an awful lot of power, because that can go very bad, very fast. Choices start to get taken away from you, and that is not your fault. It couldn't be.
---
This also all seems rather pertinent as I make plans to attend cons this summer. And so, in the vein of others on my rlist, a promise for when I'm attending Vividcon and Dragon*Con:
If it looks like someone's bothering you, I will come and see if you're all right. If it looks like your judgement's been impaired and you're being coerced into something, I'll intervene, with backup if necessary.
If you come to me and tell me that there's a problem and you want help, I will believe you without question. I won't make judgements based on your clothing, your gender identity or presentation, or how much you've had to drink. I'll believe you even if I don't know you and you're being harassed by my best friend.
I'll help you however you want me to. I will tell someone to back off, I will make excuses for you so you can get away, I will alert appropriate authorities. I'll come with you to the con organisers, or speak to them on your behalf. I'll help you find somewhere safe if you need it, and I'll sit with you for as long as you want. I've got your back.
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Apparently implied sexual advances (inviting someone to your room) is as good as clearly stated sexual interest, but implied unwillingness (not saying "yes") isn't as good as clearly stated disinterest. Why? Why can't we just assume (like we do most of the day in most places) that the people we are we with don't want to have sex with us unless they flat out say that they do?
This assumption of sex as part of the underpinning of rape culture goes both ways. In the scenario as I've heard it reported and commented on from WinCon, it was okay for the men to assume consent, because the women didn't outright say no, and the women should have assumed sexual interested from the men, even when the men did outright express it.
So much no.
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If, god forbid, I should make someone feel uncomfortable, I very much hope that you would be on the side of the person who is uncomfortable, not mine. :P
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This is getting SO ridiculous - that whole Harmony post was a big anxiety thing of her Not Getting what horrible things she was saying. Pity, because she seems like a clever girl, I don't know why she's keeping that stand. As for the woman and her husband that created the entire thing, I'm so appalled at their behaviour. Cons are supposed to be a warm, safe space, not where things like that happen.
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In strange synergy with this entire WinCon mess, I read this week that authorities here are looking into changing the law so that rape would not simply be sex with a person who says no, but sex with a person who hasn't expressed willingness. If such a law were actually enforced, it might change the entire way that sexual consent is viewed. Looking at how badly the laws we already have work, though... Yeah, not getting my hopes up.
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Same same, re: Dragon*Con.
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I love this post so much. You are such a remarkably wise woman. As someone who has worked in sexual violence prevention and response for 23 years (lordy, I'm old), I cannot tell you the joy that that list of pledges brings me.
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Long comment boils down to: you are made of awesome.
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