on recent events

[such_heights]

Holly Stuckey, a twelve year old girl living in Wales, died last week. The constant and sometimes homophobic bullying she was subjected to may have been a factor.

There's a huge amount of discussion out there about this terrible subject right now, most of which I am not engaging in because it all hits too much close to home, but I do have a bit to say.

I wasn't suicidal because I was bullied, and I wasn't bullied because I was gay, but I was all of those things and they aren't things I enjoy remembering. In any case, for me, it got better.

The thing that strikes me most about these stories is that, my god, we have got to stop enforcing our crappy social norms on our kids. Kids get bullied because they're marked out as 'different' or 'weak' in some way - they have a disability, they don't conform to gender roles, they're not white, they're not neurotypical, etc etc.

I have a vivid memory from school that stands out in discussions like this - once, there was a boy in my class wearing a pink t-shirt. I laughed at him, loudly, and told my mum about how bizarre this was. (Thankfully, I got into trouble with her for the incident and didn't do it again.) I was FIVE. By that age, I had somehow managed to assimilate the idea that boys don't wear pink, that if they do it makes them 'girly', and that is a bad thing and worthy of derision. All of which is deeply fucked up.

What is frustrating about some of the media coverage is the emphasis of the tragedy of it all without considering why this is happening. The bullies get their attitudes from somewhere.

So I do think the most important and beneficial response to these awful stories is to work to break down people's stereotypes and all the normative reinforcement that goes on all the time. Call people out, when you can. Complain about problematic things that you see, when you can. Teach kids that diversity isn't just okay, it's awesome, when you can.

But I also think that initiatives like the It Gets Better project are important too. Because for all the young people who have died, there are others who are having a really awful time of it too, and they'll be seeing these stories and seeing a world that's pretty terrible in a lot of different places. A video message isn't really going to be enough to stop someone from taking their own life, but maybe if there were more positive messages and role models out there fewer queer teenagers would believe that tragedy was their destiny. (I know I felt like that for a long time, really until I found fandom, and this is a big part of why the politics of character death in fiction is important to me.)

These people aren't dying because they're gay. They're dying because society truly is that messed up. It's an important distinction.

Comments

[monanotlisa]

These people aren't dying because they're gay. They're dying because society truly is that messed up. It's an important distinction.

Yes. Yes it is.

Linking to this.

[fallingtowers]

Oh god, that poor kid. It has to be preached from all the rooftops that bullies do get their attitudes from somewhere.

[glass_icarus]

&hearts &hearts &hearts

[scy]

*nods*

This. Exactly.

[chaila]

Absolutely. I want to say more than that, but I think you have really said it all. <3

[miss_haitch]

I feel vulnerable in these discussions because the subject hits too close to the bone, but - thank you so much for this post.

[gorgeousnerd]

Thanks for sharing this. You nailed down some of my thoughts on the subject, which I've been having a hard time doing, and in such a lovely way.